Stab Them With My Steely Knives
by Reincarnated Poet
Summary: Hello, I am Gertrude, and it is my job to protect the Sons of Ipswich from the horrors and whores of this world. Kind of a parody.


ReincarnatedPoet: Hello all, I have this…this idea…and it won't die…so instead of trying to stab it with my steely knife and find I just can't kill the beast, I'm going to write it out (cookies to those who get the reference). This is SATIRICAL meaning it's a big old joke. Please flame if you wish, then chuckle because you know…you know…

Stab Them With My Steely Knives

"Pogue!" I sighed, glancing down at my watch. "Pogue, come on!" My fist slammed into the door of his apartment before I just slipped my credit card between the door and the lock. "Come on, Pogue, get a move on, you have to be oogled from a distance in twenty minutes! How are we going to make you look rugged and windblown in ten minutes?" A crash met my ears and said boy shot from his bed, pulling a pair of dark jeans up as he went.

"Coming, Gertrude, coming!" I glared at his dark jeans and light shirt.

"Invert those clothes, Mister, no one can drool over the sexy biker if he's wearing Tyler's clothes!" He glanced down at himself before disappearing in the bedroom yet again. Rummaging through the mess on his apartment floor I fished out his leather jacket and his bike keys, handing him both as he bolted from the room.

"Thanks, Gert!" He yelled and was out the door. I locked the apartment up and followed him to his bike, checking my clipboard for the day. "Hey, can you fix this?" He gestured down at his leather collar.

"That's what they pay me for." I slid the clipboard under my arm and popped his collar before smoothing it and the lapels out so they would billow just perfectly as he rode. "Now, I need you at the school in exactly…an hour and a half. We're going to push back that distance oogling and just do a group thing." He nodded and started his bike. "No helmet for the last few miles. I want that hair disheveled and that face flushed with a come-hither look when you pull up."

"Of course, Gertrude. See you at school." And off he pulled on his bike. I relaxed against the side of an old van, sighing contentedly as I got my first little warlock off to school. The alarm on my watch had me climbing onto my bike and pedaling for all I was worth. I really must remember not to wear a business suit when the car's in the shop…never mind.

"Caleb!" I ran through the door of the Danver's mansion, stealing Evelyn's bottle of scotch on the way. Caleb was already in the kitchen, bottle of eye drops in hand. I nodded my approval.

"Good, you're almost ready. Just remember, just one in each eye every twenty minutes. Any more and you'll look like you're crying instead of glistening." He nodded and murmured his thanks as I replaced his mother's scotch with apple juice. "You are making an appearance…" I consulted my clip board. "At swim practice today. You're going to plant a big one on that new girl, oh…the blonde with the skinny body and the trampy tattoos?"

"Jezebell?" He asked, blinking as the Visene hit his eye.

"Hold on…" I flipped a few pages back, eyes scanning the list of females. "Sarah, this one's Sarah, she's blonde, about yay tall," I held up a hand. "Weighs next to nothing. Might be anorexic . She seems to have absolutely no personality, she just wants to fawn over you."

"And this is new because?" I shot him a glare.

"Don't get smart with me, Mister." He dropped his head in shame. "You be at the school in…an hour. Meet Pogue in the parking lot so you all can make your appearance together. Oh, and change that shit, I've got Pogue wearing black today. He nodded his approval and I left him standing in his kitchen. The bottle of apple juice had been poured in with just a touch of scotch and replaced before Evelyn even noticed. Damn I'm good. No time to pat myself on the back. I still had Garwin and Simms to roust from sleep.

"Tyler!" I fumbled with my spare dorm key. "Oh come, on Reid!" A few boys poked their heads out the door and glared at me. "Oh, do go on!" I yelled as I forced the key into the lock and pushed the door open. "Tyler!" I pulled a bottle of water from my pack. "Reid!" I counted to ten before pouring it over Reid and shaking Tyler awake.

"Jesus, Gertrude, did you have to dump the water over my head?" Reid yelled, throwing back his bedcovers. I blocked the lower half of his body with my clipboard and glared at him.

"You don't have time for a shower, and you're going for the just got out of the shower look today." I explained and this seemed to placate him. "You Ty, I spun around just as he was pulling a pair of dark jeans up. I nodded approvingly and plucked a light blue shirt from his closet.

"Come on, it's light blue." Tyler complained and I checked my list of clothes the boys were to be wearing.

"It'll make your blue eyes icy." I reminded him and consulted Reid's closet for his gloves and a dark oversized hoodie.

"Gert, it's eighty degrees outside." Reid wined as I tossed him the clothing.

"I don't care. You need to look like a badass." He sighed and pulled the offered clothing on. "Come on you two, we've got a busy schedule. Tyler, you have to be seen leaning haphazardly against the Hummer, waiting for Reid this afternoon after class. Reid you had to successfully cause the swooning of four, no five females with a bust size bigger than a 36 D and a waist no bigger than a size two." Both boys shouldered their backpacks and I stole Reid's and tucked his books into Tyler's bag.

"You know, I could try actually carrying my own bag." I just looked at him in shock. "I know I know." Reid was out the door, shoulders slouched like a pro while I placed the pack on Tyler's shoulder, just so.

"You have ten minutes to get to the parking lot with Reid. Pogue and Caleb are waiting for your dramatic entrance." He smiled his thanks and left me to throw any trash from the previous night into the bin and straighten their beds. Couldn't have a rumpled bed spread.

It was five minutes until their planned entrance and I was lining them up. Pogue, then Caleb, Tyler, then Reid. They made a nice shadow that way, slowly getting taller. With less than a hand's with between their shoulders they made their entrance, and I was a happy mother hen for about thirty seconds.

That was all it took. Thirty seconds before the fan girls kicked in, seeing them unprotected. I pulled my cell from my pocket and hit the walkee talkee function. "Kate come in, we have interlopers, repeat, we have interlopers." From out of the crowd the tawny girl appeared, dark hair and eyes zeroing in on her prey. With cat like agility she launched herself between the bubbly blond and Pogue, taking glares off of her back like water off a duck. I smiled with pride and produced a small rod from my bag, with a flick of a switch it shot outward, telescoping into a four foot cane. A few strays who didn't quite know the score attempted to corner Tyler, but a swift blow to the kidney had them backing off quickly enough.

Within five minutes they had been successfully oogled from a distance and made it to class on time. I was amazing.

Lunch was more difficult. They had to appear to not be eating, while actually eating. It was difficult, but I'd trained them well. A laugh on this side of the table while Tyler and Pogue shovel for all their worth. Tyler flirts with the cute girl passing by, and Caleb takes a swig of his Mountain Dew. They were more difficult to protect this way though. Kate was a big help. She both distracted Pogue from his hair and successfully warned off any women to one of the four warlocks. It was when Sarah was slowly flirting with Caleb that it happened, a code pink.

Sometimes, Reid can be a bit…difficult to keep in line, and with girls dressing like this skanky hoe, he didn't have a chance. Her uniform (clearly not of regulation length) fit her like a glove and I could almost hear Reid's heart speed up. He rose from the table, murmured something about making a girl swoon, and was twenty steps away before I noticed the fatal error. She was not less than a size two. Kate noticed at the same time I did. Her eyes widened and from under the table produced a set of knives, tossing them over to me. With a quick catch and throw I'd managed to lodge one razor sharp instrument into the floozy's fake right boob, and two snipped off the bottom two buttons of her uniform top, revealing the slight presence of a stomach. The pale untanned flesh brought Reid quickly to his senses and he diverted well, choosing instead to woo her shorter friend.

He returned, flustered, but with reputation intact. It was a near miss, one that I would haunt my dreams for years to come, a silent what-if standing alone in the darkness ready to pounce if I wasn't on my A game. Swim practice was far easier. Kate had sweet talked her way into the gym, but the coach kept all others of the female persuasion out. I had to smuggle Sarah in for her brief lip lock with Caleb, and it took a quick shot to the spleen to get her to stop trying to tongue his tonsils, but she left easily enough. It wasn't the girls that I had to watch for here, it was the guys.

If they weren't secretly attempting to grip a bicep or slap a well muscled shoulder or ass cheek, the boys were attempting to drown them for making their girls' heads turn. This was where Kate made her play. With a roll of her skirt and a bashful flick of her wrist in the water, she distracted half the population while I silently but skillfully incapacitated the gym. After practice, the coach slid me a fifty, thanking me for protecting his ace swimmers and we left.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Tyler leaned beautifully by the Hummer for nearly ten minutes. Most of the less rabid of the girls had left, and therefore I only had to warn off a few until Reid approached. Pogue and Caleb had left with Kate, safe for the moment. Nikky's tonight would be a different story. With all that close grinding and gyrating, it was difficult to keep them from man-rape. Tonight it would be easier. Sarah was going to be on Caleb's arm, and as long as I could keep them in eyesight they wouldn't do anything too terrible. Kate had Pogue covered. All I had to do was keep that homosexual Aaron from trying to pin Reid to the pool table.

It went well, considering. Sarah only had to be stabbed three times for trying to drag Caleb out the back door, and Kate kept Pogue well under wraps. Tyler had decided to opt for a mysterious "family meeting" night and was sleeping in the dorm. All I had to do was keep Reid safe…boy what a task it was. The boy managed to make his swoon quota rather quickly, but the girls just wouldn't stop. They came in waves, and for a moment I thought I had lost the goal, but wielding dual pool sticks, Nikky and Gorman appeared, helping me to battle back the rabid hoards. When they were finally beaten back, Nikki saluted with a practiced ease and went back to the bar. Gorman gave me a solemn look and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Keep your pimp hand strong, young padiwan. Keep your pimp hand strong." I nodded in a very Star Wars fashion and he disappeared, leaving me to wonder if he had lost his mind years ago. Either way, he was good to have in a bind. I had all my little warlocks tucked into bed that night so that no one actually knew where they were and when they got in before I finally let my head collide with my own pillow. It was a difficult job, but someone had to do it. I was just grateful that no one had managed to find a spell to resurrect Chase or call in some 32DD/size -1 blond with piercing green eyes that was somehow related to all of the sons while having sex with all of them at the same time. The last time that happened…I was doing damage control for a month. I thought Reid had caught syphilis.

My dreams that night were plagued with hoards of skinny blondes, fiery red heads, and sultry brunettes. It was madness.


End file.
